Monday, December 31, 2007

The End of Another Stellar Year...

Well this about sums it up, doesn't it? I don't think this is what mom meant when she reminded you to wear your hat and scarf as you left. In this case, Im sure it saved him from complete humiliation. How would you like to see THAT when the office party pics come out...yeah, not laughing now are you?

Im sure that my pole dancing exploits at a local Duffys during our office Christmas party has been preserved for posterity if not blackmail on some nice co-workers camera. Too many Dirty Martinis, I guess. That'll teach me :)

Fortunately, I did not have as much Christmas cheer as the Super Sauced Santa above, and good thing, cuz i was notwearing a hat...just a set of candy cane reindeer antlers perched pretty precariously on my melon. I could not disguise a thing in those babies..... Now if I can just get through New Years....have a safe and sane New Years celebration.....and dont end up on the front page of the paper OR in the obits, ok?

Sunday, December 30, 2007

If Only Life Could Be Like My Car....

I am the proud owner of a 1986 Mustang convertible. i like it, i like driving it, (i especially like not making car payments), and I suppose that all things being equal, anytime it needs a repair i justify it by calculating how many car payments that would have been....hmmmm..

However, today my car did something i wish I could do. It would only stand still (park) or idle (neutral) or go into drive, overdrive(D, D1 and D2 respectively) but it would not reverse. Not a bad thing philosophically speaking.

So, upon realizing that I would again have to face making car repairs (and perhaps expensive ones), I did go in reverse. I immediately decided that it was time for a drink. Now, you must be thinking that im a complete wuss and that something like a car repair will send me running for the bottle, but this is not so folks; I have faced and endured many a trial in my almost 50 years and to my credit, I still see the good in things as opposed to the bad.

To the folks that don't know me, alcohol was always my first defense to deal with problems, people and later social anxiety, so for me to want a drink today was definitely to go in "reverse". But, its not that bad- i still count my blessings every day.... I think today was just the culmination of a "series of unfortunate events" including my dad having a stroke that made the thought of a stiff drink---THE thing I wanted at that moment. So I did....and I felt better. So much better that when my friend Joe called and suggested we go to Friendly's for dinner, I smiled because I knew that at the end of dinner, my day would have a "Happy Ending".

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Is Friendly's Being OVERLY Friendly?

Last Wednesday a friend phoned me and asked if I'd like to have dinner. I dont't normally go out to dinner on a weeknight, but what the hell. He suggested Friendly's which he thought had JUST opened up by us. We toodle on over there and we see lots of people inside, so we think its open for business...well, they were not. They were training and while there HAVE been instances of restaurants serving you so that their staff can practice, these folks were not doing it. The manager explained that they would be open the day after Christmas and placed coupon books in our hands as an enticement to return at that time.

As we meandered back to the car, wondering; "Now where do we go to eat?", I flip through the coupon book and about choke laughing. The first coupon is for a "Happy Ending Size Sundae"....WOOOHOO. I immediately went back and asked for more coupon books for my extended family and went home to place them in every male friends Christmas card. Nope, no need to thank me...I think everyone should have a Happy Ending, I just have a hard time envisioning Friendly's giving me one. But hey, its almost 2008, and I AM a modern type gal.
Before we left, the manager was coming out to have a cigarette and I asked him about that wording. He seemed perplexed that it would be a concern...perhaps he was just playing dumb. Can you imagine how many men would love to go to dinner with their families and then ,when done, quite comfortably ask for a "Happy Ending"?
Love it!!!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

I'd Like My Martini Extra Dirty, Please.....

Until now, the only thing I had to worry about was that I DID get olives in my Martini. It turns out that I also have to decide whether my olives are 'placed' or 'thrown." PLACED? THROWN? What the hell does that mean and why is it interfering with one of the last socially acceptable pre-dinner activities of the modern world?

I searched high and low for an answer, but to no avail. I also could not find a picture of a jar of placed or thrown olives. Just take my word for it--they exist. Go to a grocery store and go to the olive section. The spanish olives (green with the pimento, for example) are in jars and are labeled either thrown or placed.

Finally, I asked an olive expert(also known as a buyer) from the deepest darkest caverns of the Publix Distribution Headquarters in Lakeland, Florida. Are you ready for what that means? Get ready...this is going to be very difficult to understand:

**Placed olives are "placed" in the jar by hand, so they face out and look pretty. PRETTY!!!!
**Thrown olives are "thrown" in the jar or more likely machine packed.

Placed or thrown? Look at the jar...if you can tell the difference, you are a better person than I--or even Martha Stewart, I bet.......
As for me? After the second Martini, I couldn't care less where they "place" me OR "throw" me.

PLACED VS THROWN--> Now you HAVE a choice

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Get Your Balls Out of Your Wife's Purse-Part II

Okay, I felt significantly better after that last post. I could regale you with other examples of supreme stupidity on this couples part, but why spend the energy? Well, okay....maybe one more instance of inequality in the treatment of ones children....

Back when my son was in middle school, my ex-husband approached my with the idea of getting my son braces (he did not need them accoeding to his dentist), the pitch was that I would pay for half. T understand the stupidity of this idea, let me lay some groundwork. The husband is a police officer over 10 years, the wife is a school teacher. I am the sole supporter of my family, working full time and going to school full time to BECOME a teacher. You follow me? When I explained that not only did Patrick not need braces, I could not afford to pay for them and in addition there was a little detail they had forgotten: Dad was responsible for health and dentist care.....Instead, what I got was a dissertation on what an awful mother I was, yada yada yada ad nauseaum.....

Well, he did not get braces....I didn't fall into their guilt trap and everyone turned out just fine.....

I think my son has gotten over it and even threwa party at their house for his spearfishing club. Its the least they could do for being such idiots........

In my next life, Im going to have that asshole magnet removed from my forehead....

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Get Your Balls Out of Your Wife's Purse - Part I

<--The Ex's Wife

That's right folks, I said it...and If I need to, I will say it to him: the ex-husband...the father of my son...

I have never wanted to go back in time and I have not regretted much about my life, especially since other than grow and be a better person, there is nothing I can do to change the past. Everyone makes mistakes and I have made more than my share. My children are the best thing in my life. They are kind, compassionate, caring, creative and strive to do the right thing

My son who is 25, and a good person...who has more care and compassion for other people in his little pinkie than his father has in his whole body, deserves better treatment. He is being treated like a red-headed stepchild (well, I guess he is- to the wicked step-monster). My ex-husband has 2 more children with his wife (in fact thats the reason we divorced- but thats another rant) and although I have made every effort over his lifetime to live close by (usually about 1 mile away and yikes-sometimes closer) so he could spend time with his Dad, as they all got older, it is painfully obvious to my son that he does not share in the same financial perks that his half brother and sister do. However, he is expected to spend Fathers day and Mothers Day, Thanksgiving and other family times whenever its called for over there. In the name of peace and harmony, I have always acquiesced and have not made a big deal over it, even though the reality is that I have always been the one to help him out of jams, listen to him, advise him and generally support him in his endeavors.

Perhaps I am personalizing this because i made sacrifices to smooth the way for him and it was for naught. he is feeling the disparity, I am feeling cheated again. I feel like telling my son to forget about them and just stay away, but it wouldn't be right. I would be telling him what I would do---and how well has that really served me? I want to let him know that Im proud of him for doing the right thing, hustling to make ends meet and making his way in the world even though other people are dicks.

Lets take a break for a moment for some levity before I become emotional and lose sight of the message here:

Some Holiday Gift Suggestions for the Ex's New Wife

A pendant and matching earrings

OR--For the rugged "you wont be needed THOSE anymore" kinda gal....perhaps a truck accessory would be more appropriate.....

in any case..there's a plethora of appropriate gifts this season---and dont forget: "They're Fun For the Whole Family"!

Hmmm, well, I feel alot better, but I need to get to sleep. Blogging and that shot of liquid courage helped me, but you know the problem will still be there in the morning---so look for Part II- The Case of the Braces Budget

Night Night....

Friday, November 30, 2007

Thanksgiving Leftovers

This week marked the beginning of the holiday craziness. Notice, I did not even mention Black Friday(I'm not crazy about that name). I did notice that in some stores, the Halloween, Thanksgiving AND Christmas stuff was on display simultaneously. This does not work well for me as a person who depends on store displays to remind her what season and holiday is currently occurring. I saw Christmas stuff in October and panicked...shit, where the hell did time go? I have not prepared (which by the way, apparently is my mantra) and again, thought I got caught with my pants down.

The nicest thing about the After-Thanksgiving school break is that the kids at my school have had ( and will continue to have until Dec 7th) the incredible opportunity to meet and work with a gentleman who in terms of a disability defies the odds and truly has inspired them to greatness. He is Sidiki Conde from Guinea, 46 years old and was struck by polio at the age of 14, rendering his legs useless. Instead of succumbing to the disability, he intensified his efforts to meet and surpass his own expectations. He performs with a group dancing, drumming and singing. He is amazing to watch and truly has the heart and patience I aspire to. I took some video of he and the kids during their rehearsal yesterday. They have been rehearsing this week and will continue next week in preparation for a Holiday Showcase at the Duncan Theatre on the Palm Beach Community college Campus, Saturday December 8th. Here is a video clip of their afternoon yesterday (look for more in the future!) and an audio clip of one of Sidiki's songs to his mother

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Missing In Action

It has been a busy 2 months. This blog has been on my mind, but due to about a dozen unforeseen circumstances (when it rains it pours), I have been pretty exhausted. This evening will mark the return of moi to regular online posting. Expect to see some emotional family stuff, some mea culpa's I never thought I would even ponder, more man stuff (adventures in dating is what I prefer to call it) and some exciting prospects coming up in my quest to get published.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

I need someone in my life....for the fun things – 58

THAT is the title of the personal ad referenced below

Hello ladies. Hear me out. I'm just a normal, hispanic male, professionally employed, fun to be with, love to laugh, and enjoy life. I'm looking for a woman of like mindedness. I have lots of love to give, and am fun to hug, kiss, laugh with, and I can hold an intelligent conversation, on just about anything........let's talk..

(as posted on Craigslist in West Palm Beach, Florida)

Just when you think that you have the skills necessary to read between the lines of a personal ad and dismiss all that are cheesy, dishonest, looking for supermodels or a slaves, comes a new breed of ad. This ad does not mention marital status. Not a word to indicate whether the author is single, separated, divorced,or widowed. We only know that he is alive, that he has internet access and is probably familiar with, craigslist, or eharmony (who by the way, after 2 attempts to submit a completed profile, informed me that there is not anyone in the universe they could match me up with). As an individual in the education field, I would even compromise on the spelling aspect, just to find Mr. Right.

Please refer to the ad at the beginning of this article. Sounds pretty good, huh? I’m a 49 year old woman, professional, love to have fun AND Hispanic. A match made in heaven-or at least a pretty good start. I don’t come across ads like this often, so I decided to contact this person. I immediately received a response with a thank you and a picture with an invitation to call him and remit a picture of myself if I was so inclined. Well, I was so inclined and proceeded to scan my miniscule stash of pictures on my hardrive for the most accurate representation of myself and replied with 2 pictures, my cell phone number and invite to call me sometime as well.

The next day, while I was at work, I received a phone call from-lets call him Henry-and we chatted a bit. At the end of the conversation he asked me what I was “looking for”. I felt like a john calling an escort service and responding to a code phrase designed to avoid the appearance of solicitation. I responded that I was looking for people to meet, get to know, become friends with and ultimately marry at some point down the road. He seemed to understand and apparently was not scared off because he asked if he could call me later. I was thinking I could be on to something here. The conversation did not culminate in an urgency to meet, but rather more conversation. Could it be that there was someone out there just as cautious as I was?

In the evening, I received another phone call from Henry (how did I know?-I had already optimistically saved his number and name in my contacts, silly). We chatted a bit more and we talked about our kids and pets and agreed that we would continue to communicate on the phone a bit longer and think about a meeting for coffee perhaps in the future. Again, he asked me what am I looking for ( I swear I was thinking if he asks me again im going to think he is mentally disabled or just plain stupid) Oh, happy day! I was already planning where to go and what to wear. Could he call me tomorrow during my lunch break? Absolutely, I replied, need you ask?

Tomorrow comes and no phone call at lunch, no phone call in the evening. The day after that , no phone call at lunch and then an email in the evening asking if I received his message. I jump to my phone and listen to my voice mails. Nothing there. I check my text messages and there it is. “Will u c me if im married?”. I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry. As I absorbed what this meant, I started rehearsing my time worn, indignant how dare-you speech. I even entertained the thought of agreeing to see him and using him for financial gain and good times before cutting him loose-just to teach him a lesson of course.
While I was playing all these scenarios out in my head, I receive a voicemail (having missed the call). He was apologizing for not telling me he was married and hoped that it would not be a barrier to me seeing him. A barrier? A barrier? Marriage to another person is a barrier? What a jerk… I went to my computer and sent him an email: “I received your messages and would like to have a conversation with you. Please call when you get a chance”. About 10 minutes later, the phone rings. He must have thought that if I wanted to talk, that on some level, I was considering a relationship with him. Well, I was not, but instead of laying into him on the phone and that being the end of the story, I decided to make him think a bit and perhaps feel foolish and as an added bonus, perhaps dishonest and dishonorable as well.

I reviewed with him his personal ad. Not a mention of marital status. Most people lead with that since it is a selling point and immediately helps you decide whether you are interested in dealing with a divorced man that has kids, or a widower who just lost a spouse, etc. But not this guy, nope, not Mr. Wonderful. He looking for fun, and you should be too!! Fuddy duddys need not apply is the implication behind the headline and ad. He commented that his ad was quite clear regarding his status. Clear? I pressed on and asked what the purpose of asking me what I was looking for was, if he knowingly could not provide it. Silence. Did he think that I was a woman who deserved less than what I was looking for? Is there a reason why he felt it was not important to disclose the fact that he was married, if not in the ad, than certainly in the first email or god forbid the first phone conversation? Again, my querys were met with silence and then some comment about how some women don’t mind a man being married. Instead of beating a dead horse and going round and round with this guy, I finally told him that it was against my values to romantically entangle myself with a married man as much for my own benefit as well as his wife’s, who by the way, I was rapidly feeling sorry for. We ended the phone call with him telling me he respected my decision and that it had been a pleasure talking with me. I wished him luck in all his endeavors (a saying my best friend always ends our conversations with when there is nothing left to say) and hung up.

I wake up the next morning and have a voicemail waiting. “Good morning Annette, Im calling to let you know that perhaps we could still meet for that cup of coffee and be friends because you know you can never have too many friends”…. Sincere? Or just another manipulation….hmmm. Response on my part? Silence.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'mmmmm baack.....

Like Randy Travis sings. "You've been too gone, for too long, don't even put your suitcase down...".

I can assure you that my time away has been well spent. The remainder of my recovery was such that i was up and about and didn't have time to sit and blog. Good for me and perhaps-some would say...good thing :)

I spent about 3 weeks resting and getting situated. Probably more time resting than situating

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Unhappy Knee: A Social Story

Well folks, as you can see, the left knee is unhappy. The right knee wants to make it smile. The left knee is not having any part of it. The right knee says, "Come on, lets go dancing. I'll even let you lead" . Instead it wants to wallow in self pity and maybe a martini or two intermittently wailing "Why me?" between sips....
The good news--> the visit to the doctor went well. She got all the wire out except for a piece that is behind my knee-ouch and that she says she tried to get, but just could not. Unless it causes a problem, surgery to remove it is a high risk deal because of artery, veins and other encumbrances.
Bad news--> The stitches stay in and I return next Wednesday morning. At which time i will be moved into my new first story digs and able to devote myself to physical therapy and the business of getting better.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Ah--There they are!!!!

Its not a great picture,(my camera is MIA and I had to use a webcam) but you get the idea. The high heeled, 1940's bedroom diva accessory. the only thing missing is a long cigarette holder and a maribou trimmed peignoir- but Im working on it.....
Im not one to enjoy sitting still for any amount of time, so I am dividing my time between deciding what to pitch as I scale back possessions and then elevating and icing the leg. Tomorrow, i see the doc, I have an 8" scar (I peeked) with about a jillion staples). Im going to need some liqid courage before I let her loose with those staple removers. She might need something as well-like earplugs.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

where are my red patent leather bedroom mules with the frou frou on the tops?

Well...I will be brief...I feel a bit better today. Im getting around, and Im starting to feel bored ( all good signs). I have not been taking pain pills and would really like a drink, but I will be good and just relax, JUST in case I do need a pain pill later.
I have been in my closet...perusing the shoes....trying to decide....what to do?........
I think Ill pack something (Im moving) and perhaps something will come to idea, a glass of wine, a martini, or perhaps the name of a medical malpractice attorney, who knows?

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Can Flip Flops be considered evening wear?

There it is folks.....The "thing". I think I would rather have this on rather than see whats underneath. Tuesday morning I will see the doc and the drama will start all over again (her words. not mine).
Today has been better in the pain department, Im still not hungry (couldnt i stand to lose a few pounds?) and I dont dread those trips to the bathroom as much...Im hoping that this recovery will be significantly better than the one 8 years ago. I will definitely be better about the physical therapy.....
As bad as I look, a friend decided to brave the site of me and picked up some soup for lunch and spent some time with me. I do not recommend doing this until I shower, since I am getting pretty ripe. Lulu is at the Warp tour in Miami and made me swear to wait til she got home---not a problem, there is a lot involved including trash bags and duct tape. (If I work it right, I could get a bikini wax with every shower) okay never mind, I must be feeling better--that sense of humor is coming back.....

Friday, July 20, 2007

The worst is over....or is it?

Its been almost 24 hours since I have been home. Patrick picked me up and filled my pain medication scrip before helping me upstairs. The whole thing is a bit fuzzy. I have this huge immobilizer on my leg with a lunch cooler with a trolling motor in it that constantly circulates ice water under the bandages. Pretty neat trick--why didnt I think of it? I have Percoset for pain. I thought the stuff would knock me out, but instead, I wake up every 10 minutes. Its pretty annoying, making this the longest 24 hours of my life. Im also very very thirsty, but the more I drink, the more I have to pee and of course that imvolves unhooking myself from this virtual life support system and making it to the bathroom before I pee...its all very depressing.
Lauren is going out til Satuday night and I welcome that because I really dont like having people feeling like they cant leave me alone. I did send her to the store with a list :)
4 bags ice, 4 2liters of diet ginger ale, bath tissue and a newspaper ( i think i covered all the essentials). Well, just a brief update....til tomorrow

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I have run out of excuses....

Todays the day..Yesterday I was looking for any excuse to have to put off the surgery. Examples: I have asthma, I have a cold, can't find my living will, no ride to the Surgicenter, etc. All lame and useless...What can I say? I am a pain weenie, always have been. Even though I was in pain at the moment, I also knew that the after pain was going to be the worst.
I have kept myself busy to avoid thinking of the inevitable and performing self therapy (is that a word?), talking to myself and reminding myself that I have always been tough and daring, willing to go here no man has gone before, yadda yadda yadda and swearing not to act like a wimp as I got older (something I do not admire in others). cab is here (I really did not have a way there) and I will be back in touch as soon as I am able......

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Will I Dance Again?

You know, I think the universe must be conspiring to keep me from entering "So You Think You Can Dance"...This morning I woke up with a congested upper chest (stop-I know what your thinking) and some kind of productive coughing---but all in all, feeling like shit. I slogged through the day, finally acceepting the fact that I was going to go through this whole ordeal again---alone. yes folks, alone...long story but if you are interested i'll tell ya... My surgery is not scheduled until 3PM. I have to meet with the anesthesioligist an dhope that he can do it, if not I have to wait til Tues AND have another Pre-OP clearance---JOY...of curse at my expense.
Im sensing pessimism on my part and do not wish to engage, so i will stop now, have a glass of wine before my 12 midnight cut off time and relax.....more tomorrow

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Just when you thought it was safe to get back on stilettos....

Christmas time 1999, I fell and broke my kneecap. It was traumatic, painful, a slow recovery and left me with an ugly scar that time has thankfully made less red and raw. leading the life that I had up to this point, I can honestly say that if that was as bas as it got at age 41, I was darn lucky and should not complain.
After 7 years or so of not wearing high heels due to this painful extended recovery period,, I had amassed quite a collection of sexy high heeled shoes that I knew I was destined to wear again. Crimson, olive tones, black, tans...every color of the rainbow...purchased and lovinglykept in see thru shoe boxes which would make it easier for me to choose which ones to wear---when I could do so again. I would wear them with jeans, pants, dresses and maybe with lingerie---who knows? But I WOULD wear them again. My daughter looked at them and thought I was crazy, but I didnt care. I would buy, save and wear--one day...
And I did----2 weeks ago-----I met a gentleman who liked Karaoke. Well, I cant sing (that would be "scaraoke"), so while I accompanied him, I did not sing, but instead I spent those nights dancing in my heels to the songs that people with varying degrees of talent belted out.
I had a great time....the best in 7 years....
On July 10, 2007, I am at work (Im a teacher) and upon attempting to get up from my desk, I cried out in pain and sat back down. I could not believe that sound came from me. Even my students were scared...and trust me, not much scares them. The consensus from everyone from the school nurse to the custodian was that I should go to the nearest hospital. So I did....
Well, imagine my surprise ( a bit of sarcasm here) when i view these xrays and lo and behold, the wiring around the kneecap has not only come undone, but a piece has broken off and lodged itself in my knee joint, hence the pain when I tried to straighten my leg. While I stare in amazement at these xrays, the doctors are telling me it needs to be taken care of immediately. Of course the 2 doctors that did the surgery almost 8 years ago, are on vacation. Me? Iim working summer school in order to be able to take a vacation. I got a a crash course in hospital politics. It seems that if the original doctor is not affiliated with the hospital , he is not obligated to see me and on the other hand, the orthopedic doctor on cal at the time in the ER, did not want to deal with fixing another doctors surgery. that leaves the patient in limbo and cranks up the pissed off factor---in addition to fondling the yellow pages in the area of "medical malpractice attorneys". Okay, so i was fantasizing, but it made me feel good.