Monday, December 31, 2007

The End of Another Stellar Year...

Well this about sums it up, doesn't it? I don't think this is what mom meant when she reminded you to wear your hat and scarf as you left. In this case, Im sure it saved him from complete humiliation. How would you like to see THAT when the office party pics come out...yeah, not laughing now are you?

Im sure that my pole dancing exploits at a local Duffys during our office Christmas party has been preserved for posterity if not blackmail on some nice co-workers camera. Too many Dirty Martinis, I guess. That'll teach me :)

Fortunately, I did not have as much Christmas cheer as the Super Sauced Santa above, and good thing, cuz i was notwearing a hat...just a set of candy cane reindeer antlers perched pretty precariously on my melon. I could not disguise a thing in those babies..... Now if I can just get through New Years....have a safe and sane New Years celebration.....and dont end up on the front page of the paper OR in the obits, ok?

Sunday, December 30, 2007

If Only Life Could Be Like My Car....

I am the proud owner of a 1986 Mustang convertible. i like it, i like driving it, (i especially like not making car payments), and I suppose that all things being equal, anytime it needs a repair i justify it by calculating how many car payments that would have been....hmmmm..

However, today my car did something i wish I could do. It would only stand still (park) or idle (neutral) or go into drive, overdrive(D, D1 and D2 respectively) but it would not reverse. Not a bad thing philosophically speaking.

So, upon realizing that I would again have to face making car repairs (and perhaps expensive ones), I did go in reverse. I immediately decided that it was time for a drink. Now, you must be thinking that im a complete wuss and that something like a car repair will send me running for the bottle, but this is not so folks; I have faced and endured many a trial in my almost 50 years and to my credit, I still see the good in things as opposed to the bad.

To the folks that don't know me, alcohol was always my first defense to deal with problems, people and later social anxiety, so for me to want a drink today was definitely to go in "reverse". But, its not that bad- i still count my blessings every day.... I think today was just the culmination of a "series of unfortunate events" including my dad having a stroke that made the thought of a stiff drink---THE thing I wanted at that moment. So I did....and I felt better. So much better that when my friend Joe called and suggested we go to Friendly's for dinner, I smiled because I knew that at the end of dinner, my day would have a "Happy Ending".

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Is Friendly's Being OVERLY Friendly?

Last Wednesday a friend phoned me and asked if I'd like to have dinner. I dont't normally go out to dinner on a weeknight, but what the hell. He suggested Friendly's which he thought had JUST opened up by us. We toodle on over there and we see lots of people inside, so we think its open for business...well, they were not. They were training and while there HAVE been instances of restaurants serving you so that their staff can practice, these folks were not doing it. The manager explained that they would be open the day after Christmas and placed coupon books in our hands as an enticement to return at that time.

As we meandered back to the car, wondering; "Now where do we go to eat?", I flip through the coupon book and about choke laughing. The first coupon is for a "Happy Ending Size Sundae"....WOOOHOO. I immediately went back and asked for more coupon books for my extended family and went home to place them in every male friends Christmas card. Nope, no need to thank me...I think everyone should have a Happy Ending, I just have a hard time envisioning Friendly's giving me one. But hey, its almost 2008, and I AM a modern type gal.
Before we left, the manager was coming out to have a cigarette and I asked him about that wording. He seemed perplexed that it would be a concern...perhaps he was just playing dumb. Can you imagine how many men would love to go to dinner with their families and then ,when done, quite comfortably ask for a "Happy Ending"?
Love it!!!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

I'd Like My Martini Extra Dirty, Please.....

Until now, the only thing I had to worry about was that I DID get olives in my Martini. It turns out that I also have to decide whether my olives are 'placed' or 'thrown." PLACED? THROWN? What the hell does that mean and why is it interfering with one of the last socially acceptable pre-dinner activities of the modern world?

I searched high and low for an answer, but to no avail. I also could not find a picture of a jar of placed or thrown olives. Just take my word for it--they exist. Go to a grocery store and go to the olive section. The spanish olives (green with the pimento, for example) are in jars and are labeled either thrown or placed.

Finally, I asked an olive expert(also known as a buyer) from the deepest darkest caverns of the Publix Distribution Headquarters in Lakeland, Florida. Are you ready for what that means? Get ready...this is going to be very difficult to understand:

**Placed olives are "placed" in the jar by hand, so they face out and look pretty. PRETTY!!!!
**Thrown olives are "thrown" in the jar or more likely machine packed.

Placed or thrown? Look at the jar...if you can tell the difference, you are a better person than I--or even Martha Stewart, I bet.......
As for me? After the second Martini, I couldn't care less where they "place" me OR "throw" me.

PLACED VS THROWN--> Now you HAVE a choice

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Get Your Balls Out of Your Wife's Purse-Part II

Okay, I felt significantly better after that last post. I could regale you with other examples of supreme stupidity on this couples part, but why spend the energy? Well, okay....maybe one more instance of inequality in the treatment of ones children....

Back when my son was in middle school, my ex-husband approached my with the idea of getting my son braces (he did not need them accoeding to his dentist), the pitch was that I would pay for half. T understand the stupidity of this idea, let me lay some groundwork. The husband is a police officer over 10 years, the wife is a school teacher. I am the sole supporter of my family, working full time and going to school full time to BECOME a teacher. You follow me? When I explained that not only did Patrick not need braces, I could not afford to pay for them and in addition there was a little detail they had forgotten: Dad was responsible for health and dentist care.....Instead, what I got was a dissertation on what an awful mother I was, yada yada yada ad nauseaum.....

Well, he did not get braces....I didn't fall into their guilt trap and everyone turned out just fine.....

I think my son has gotten over it and even threwa party at their house for his spearfishing club. Its the least they could do for being such idiots........

In my next life, Im going to have that asshole magnet removed from my forehead....

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Get Your Balls Out of Your Wife's Purse - Part I

<--The Ex's Wife

That's right folks, I said it...and If I need to, I will say it to him: the ex-husband...the father of my son...

I have never wanted to go back in time and I have not regretted much about my life, especially since other than grow and be a better person, there is nothing I can do to change the past. Everyone makes mistakes and I have made more than my share. My children are the best thing in my life. They are kind, compassionate, caring, creative and strive to do the right thing

My son who is 25, and a good person...who has more care and compassion for other people in his little pinkie than his father has in his whole body, deserves better treatment. He is being treated like a red-headed stepchild (well, I guess he is- to the wicked step-monster). My ex-husband has 2 more children with his wife (in fact thats the reason we divorced- but thats another rant) and although I have made every effort over his lifetime to live close by (usually about 1 mile away and yikes-sometimes closer) so he could spend time with his Dad, as they all got older, it is painfully obvious to my son that he does not share in the same financial perks that his half brother and sister do. However, he is expected to spend Fathers day and Mothers Day, Thanksgiving and other family times whenever its called for over there. In the name of peace and harmony, I have always acquiesced and have not made a big deal over it, even though the reality is that I have always been the one to help him out of jams, listen to him, advise him and generally support him in his endeavors.

Perhaps I am personalizing this because i made sacrifices to smooth the way for him and it was for naught. he is feeling the disparity, I am feeling cheated again. I feel like telling my son to forget about them and just stay away, but it wouldn't be right. I would be telling him what I would do---and how well has that really served me? I want to let him know that Im proud of him for doing the right thing, hustling to make ends meet and making his way in the world even though other people are dicks.

Lets take a break for a moment for some levity before I become emotional and lose sight of the message here:

Some Holiday Gift Suggestions for the Ex's New Wife

A pendant and matching earrings

OR--For the rugged "you wont be needed THOSE anymore" kinda gal....perhaps a truck accessory would be more appropriate.....

in any case..there's a plethora of appropriate gifts this season---and dont forget: "They're Fun For the Whole Family"!

Hmmm, well, I feel alot better, but I need to get to sleep. Blogging and that shot of liquid courage helped me, but you know the problem will still be there in the morning---so look for Part II- The Case of the Braces Budget

Night Night....