While perusing the craigslist personal ads (yes, I do) I came across an ad which I will not copy here , but which has a part that summed up just about every type of pronouncement possibly uttered by some people responding to or posting to a personal ad.
I think its quite funny...and by the way, just to show you what a good sport I am, I will highlight the ones that I have heard personally.
Feel free to send me any you have experienced or ahem--any YOU may have used.
Here goes:
Teenie Boppers need not respond
I know you said you act much older than your 21 years of age.
I know at this stage of your life you need someone to travel with.
I know you prefer international travel.
No, I will not advance you money for your passport.
I know you just lost your high pay executive position with a new york advertising agency
I know you are extremely well educated with more degrees than a thermometer.
I know you are new to South Florida. I know your stage name is Nicole.
I know you're staying with your girlfriends Tiffany and Amber.
No, I dont want to meet you or your friends in a swinger bar.
No, I dont think you're a nassy, sleazy, stinky slut...
I know this is your first time posting on craigslist.
I know you would never lie.
I know your corporate donations fell because of the economy and youre seeking new sponsors from your many friends in the porn film industry.
No, I dont wanna see your videos.
I know youre fit, hardbodied, washboard abs, take karate lessons, kickboxing, go to the gym, ride your bike on the beach, lift weights, run marathons, but let yourself go temporarily.
I know youve never had sex and always carry the HIV aids test results to prove it.
I know you have 4 prominent protruding piercings and 3 tongue barbells, including the Delightful Destroyer, The Pecker Wrecker, and The Penis Punisher.
No, I dont wanna see your barbells.
I know you also have, 5 eyebrow clips, 6 tattoos, 7 self inflicted colorful decorations on various body parts, and 8 glow in the dark nipple rings.
No, I dont want to see you naked because you think it would excite me.
I know you like walks on the beach, candle light dinners, fine wine, movies, and you want someone to accompany you on a cruise with all expenses paid.
Yes, I know your craigslist posting is for real and no joke.
I know you're adventurous, admirable, affectionate, athletic, artistic, charismatic, generous, cheerful, dominant, desirous, eccentric, erotic, deserves pampering, in shape, friendly, smart, intellectual, dynamic, talented, timely, zany, zesty, successful, supportive, knowledgable, intelligent, witty, playful, youthful, attractive, flirtatious, feisty, submissive, sensitive, sexy, slim, good looking, sane, honest, spontaneous, creative, considerate, confident, concise, careful, thoughtful, kind, humorous, easygoing, open minded, respectful, responsible, responsive, romantic, reliable, challenge loving, career juggling, animal loving, certified outgoing, goal oriented, on top of the world, on top of your career, energetic, focused, independent, funloving, physical, playful, pleasant, pleasing, caring, compassionate, down to earth, well intentioned, solutions oriented, no gimmicks christian business woman with morals.!
Dayam, you missed one... Fulla Shit.
You're more fulla shit than a thanksgiving turkey....!
I know the man you're seeking must also be a professional, well read, educated in ivy league schools, financially stable, owns his home free & clear, knows what he wants, knows where he is in life, desires a woman of your caliber, knows how to treat a woman like the queen you and of course must be an honest upright moral christian like yourself.
I know you prefer a tall white man with a Mercedes.
I know my pic will get your pic
I know youve been strung along meeting men who lie.
I know you have 5 kids and just got out of an abusive adulterous relationship.
No, I wont buy you 5 boxes of extra large size pampers.
I know your kids shit on the sofa, peed on the porch and smeared feces on the fence.
I know the father of your brats forgot to send the court orderded support check this week and he's working in Saudi Arabia.
I know FPL turned off your electricity by mistake and you wanna sue them.
I know your cell phone is off because you went over your 99 alloted minutes by 2,750.
I know the cell phone company now wants $ 955 dollars, but its just a big mistake.
I know the furniture rental store took back the TV, Stereo, Couch, and the Microwave.
I know they took the TIVO too... I know you faithfully record every Jerry Springer Show.
I know you sent the payment a week early.
I know Jerry is gonna be pissed.
No, I wont cash a check for you.
I know you said the check is good.
No, I wont drive you to the check cashing place.
I know your friends Julio, Juan, Jorge, Leroy and Shaquita own the place, but operate from their apt.
I know you are looking on craigslist for your mom because you are tired of the the creeps she meets and you want to make her happy again.
I know you like older men.... I know you wouldnt dream of having sex for money.
I know your Jag was towed by mistake, now forced to drive your old car, you want me to fill your 30 gallon gas tank on your brown 78 oldsmobile with the green front fender, broken tailight and expired tag in exchange for a quickie, which is not sex to you.
I know youre behind on the Jag payment.
No I dont want to catch up the payments for you.
I know you want to get back on your feet.
When the finance company reposesses it, You'll be back on your feet.
I know you have a 30 year old girlfriend with pics on myspace who hasnt dated in 3 1/2 years because she hasnt found anyone worth dating.
No, I dont want to meet her.
I know shes still a virgin. No, I dont need a 30 year old virgin.
I know she's your best friend and she's a Certified Employee Assistance Professional, Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Level 1 Labor Assistance Professional, Certified Substance Abuse Counselor, and is Certified in Acute Traumatic Stress Management, Mental Health Recovery Drug Project Coordinator, Vice President of Operations, Certified Social Worker, Clinical Supervisor, Client Advocate, Director of Admissions, Critical Incident Stress Manager, Anger Management Gender Specialist and a Nationally Recognized Substance Abuse Court Liaison Therapeutic Activity Specialist....... Holy Shit...
The translation.....Your Basic 12 Stepper Bullshit Artist.
No, I dont wanna show you the town.
No, I dont wanna see what develops and where we go from here.
No, I dont wanna be friends.
No, I dont wanna lend you any money.
No, I dont need my house cleaned or anything else, including my bank account.
I know your landlord is a son of a bitch because your rent is 2 months behind.
No, I wont call your landlord.
No, I wont help you out just this one time.
I know you only except cash for in and out calls.
No, I dont need a professional, discrete massage in the genital area from a licensed las vegas masseuse with lotions, gels and portable massage table who practices aromatherapy in the comfort of her deluxe dania efficiency.
I know you use expensive chinese imported mexican incense.
Aroma Therapy is the stench of your bullshit you plaster on your pedestal poopsie.!
With your baggage honey, you should open an airport.
Im not the one for you sweetie.... Im not your shugah daddie
Whew..there you have it.....amazing......
Castro Steps Down, Castro's Dead, Castro's Fallen and Can't Get up.....
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