Like Shooting Fish in a Fuckin' Barrel

What kind of person would I be if as a jumping off point, I were to use any of the pictures from this particular slide show? My integrity, consummate good taste, and credibility would forever (no matter how hard I scrubbed) be a wee bit tarnished.

Okay, that was hard...y'all know I don't give a fuck what people think. If they don't like what I write or post, they can take their ass elsewhere---oh, or THEY may be the subject of the next post..that's MY personal favorite.

So in the interest of wanting to post something and finding these pics to be like a car accident-you don't want to look, but still can't tear yourself away-consider this your Pre-Halloween trick post.....

New--> Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

Dear Ms. Lulu (AKA "the girl child"),

I have decided to enter your shoes in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (of shoes).

Marvin the Martian will be made into the opening float. Look how overjoyed they are!!!

Your (not cheap) cosmetology school mannequin head life-partners HAVE been elected as the Parade Martials to co-represent the LGBT community in the hopes that NY state will soon follow other forward thinking states and legalize marriage for Gay and Lesbian citizens.

New YorkNote: By a May 29, 2008 directive, New York only recognizes gay marriages from couples legally married outside of the state. read more

Until your acceptance letter is received, please place these shoes in your room for safekeeping, as I know there will be a mad rush to get initial interviews with them by the tabloids.

Thank you,

The Management (AKA Mom)

Get your flu shots!!!!!!

By coincidence, I came down with what I thought was a cold---the day BEFORE-I had scheduled my flu shot.
Needless to say, I went downhill quickly. In bed, headaches, chills, pains, aches, thirst. I have spent 4 days so far drinking liquids, peeing and sleeping. The way I look at it, the only good (always the optimist) that can come of this is that I drop a few pounds.
I happened to begin to experience complications from my asthma and hightailed it to the doctor today. Steroids are wonderful. (I know they are bad for you...but why is it that the things that make you feel good are either fattening , immoral or dangerous?). I won't go into the specifics, but by tomorrow I will be reroofing the house, changing the oil and tuning up the car, pressure cleaning the neighbors house, cooking 5 course meals and making my students beg the nurse for extra meds to slip to their teacher.....ahhh, steroids.
But---->If you don't have asthma or chronic bronchitis which may cause your blood oxygen level to drop to 95% or less...you will have to follow the original regimen of liquids, tylenol, peeing and sleeping....no medrol dosepaks for you!!!!
Just be good to yourself and impose on you friends for chicken soup and runs to Publix for Ginger Ale (69 cents for 2 liters--such a deal).....

Obama, I love ya, but can you please stop calling?

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Obama, I love ya, but can you please stop calling?

I know its the big push...gotta get those uncommitted voters, gotta touch base with those early supporters , reinforce the strong points of the campaign, yadda yadda yadda. But O...times are tough and everytime you call me, you are using up my minutes!!! I find it hard to interrupt and cut off at the knees someone who sounds so nice and considerate when convincing me for the 47th time that I should vote for you. At this point , Im considering NOT voting so that I can not go into debt to pay my phone bill..unless of course you have a campaign promise for that...So let me reinforce the strong points of MY life....Im a professional and a student,a mother and a father, a lover not a hater, but sometimes a masterbater, doesn't really matter, im tired of all the chatter...so Obama, I love ya babe, but ya gotta quit calling.

Home vs Human Maintenance

In the process of settling into a new (to me) home, I have encountered a few things that have required replacing or fixing. This does not seem unreasonable to me, although I began to see parallels in a home that had not been "lived in" for a while and myself who has not been "loved in" in a while. Stop-I know what your thinking, too much information right? I don't care-its my blog-get your big girl panties on and deal with it....

So I'm on a mission--okay, maybe not a mission, but I have at least set a goal: Get out, get a guy, get ______. (You get to fill in the blank). I'm not even looking for Mr. Right. I will settle for Mr. Right Now at least for awhile....I have a whole new respect for the term "test drive". I'm not trading in for a newer model, however. I would like someone my age or a bit older. A LITTLE BIT older....Well, we shall see.

As part of my renovation, replacement, maintenance, etc. I have had to unearth some clothing that I had kind of left behind which, frankly, were sexy. I need to find places to go that will utilize these great clothes and meet men who will appreciate them-and me. AND after last Saturdays outing with a girlfriend, I realized that I'm going to have to do some serious exercise to get back in shape. Stay tuned....

Sooooo.......What have I learned?

I'm thinking that its true that "If you don't use it you will lose it and/ or it will rust, clog, sputter, stain,creak, stall, lose pressure, drip, crack, mildew. This also applies to home maintenance.

Ceiling Fan Sex

I shit you not...I sat straight up in bed at 3 at A .M yesterday because I could have sworn that I heard a MAN moaning and gasping and all while in "the act". Im thinking, damn.....that guy next door is pretty loud....and yes, I was still listening.....when I realized it was coming from the darn fan over my head.

So why was I listening? Well...if you have been around at all and have read this blog, you KNOW that I am a student of human nature---also known as a voyeur. Shoot me , ok? I yam what I yam.

What do I do???? Use WD40?, readjust the blades, recharge the rabbit and take advantage of the sound effect? I understand that this could be a good thing, but I also feel like it could be taunting me.........Any thoughts? (NOT YOU, JOE)

Moving, Moving On, Moving Out, Moving Along,Moving Up, Moving My Ass......

Ahhhh moving....As in moving from one place to another.....I hate it, dread it, but still, you'd think I'd be an expert by now. Grew up moving with my parents whenever a "better" opportunity came along in the way of building management, moving when I ran away and joined the Army, moving when I married an Army man, and of course the inevitable moving when the Army/Police man moved on to the trophy wife (please refer to Balls 1 and Balls 2----and that was ALL by the age of 24.

I hate it SO much, that I took 3 whole weeks to do it. I only moved as much as I could transport in my car one trip at a time, in the back seat and trunk without anything touching doors or ceiling of the car-unlike the illustration at left. Hence, the lack of update to my blog on a regular basis (well, as regular as it ever was).

The good news is that Im done and my life is settling into some semblance of its former self, albeit in a different setting. I HAVE although been finding things and making notes for future posts, so stay tuned.....

Surrogate Cat Sex

My kitty is in heat--My four-footed one,thanks

(no, Joe: Mine is not on the shelf, Bucko)

The poor thing is so miserable and Im going to get her fixed...she is on the list at the Spay Shuttle. Palm Beach County's answer to low cost, conveyor belt styled spay and neutering services. She is #1600 or was when I called and scheduled 2 months ago....

In the meanwhile, she is miserable and so are we. Its not the caterwauling that is usually the norm,but rather the rubbing and grunting and squirming and POSTURING that is the problem. So, I went online---and here is what I found. Once I got done laughing at the sheer perversity of introducing a q-tip into my cats vagina and simulating sex, I hid all the q-tips in case my son happened to read this post. Without further ado....please read the article that started it all....

How To Calm A Cat In Heat <--If anyone else has any realistic and less bestiality type hints, please feel free to let me know. Until then I will be attempting to cut in line at the Spay Shuttle...

Dinner With Julie Part 2

A continuation of the August 17th post where we make plans to go to dinner with a most excellent waitress.

We had agreed to meet at the Lantana Ale House, a kind of sports, music, inside /outside seating kind of place. I have eaten there quite often and knew that there was a variety of food which most likely would please all the members of our party.

When we arrived, the sign at the door asked you to wait to be seated-Julie moves on past it, scans the area and chooses a set of tables that she proceeds to put together for us. We are still sheepishly inching our way towards the tables, waiting for a wait staff to question why we did not wait---I guess she thought better of asking after seeing how Julie took charge of the situation...

We are seated (by Julie) when suddenly our real waitress comes out and begins her spiel forgetting to mention "Todays specials". Julie jumps on that like white on rice---I was starting to feel afraid for the young waitress. Julie takes everyones drink order and then recites it back to the girl in an organized fashion along with our appetizer order. I thought this was the end of it and that the girl would take the hint that she needed to step up her game. I relaxed and let out a deep breath.

Well we start perusing the menu and it turns out that Julie is the Gold Medal winner in the"I have some questions" event. Joe used to swear that it was me, but it turns out I cannot even score bronze against Julie. Of course, her questions are better than mine because she knows what goes on behind the scenes in a restaurant. My burning question is always, "Are the wings breaded or can I git em nekkid?", which is enough to make Joe roll his eyes and apologize for the trouble I causing...DICK.

HE did not say peep during Julies interrogation of the waitress concerning cooking methods, frozen or fresh, light or heavy, trans fat or not, cream versus milk, real ice tea vs powdered, etc. I kept waiting for him to comment....DICK. Not even a vein on his bald head stood out...DICK.

In any case, I appreciated Julies expertise as she timed the waitresses trips to the table, refills of water, accuracy of dinner order....NONE of which were to Julies standards. It came down to a tip countdown, whch is to say everytime the waitress did not DO what Julie considered to be timely and appropriate, the announcement was made of what her tip had decreased to. When I heard 17% and we had just been served...all thoughts of trying out this line of work some summer went right out the window...I was not worthy :)

Im not quite sure what the final total was, although the bill was about $126.00 for six people....

I can't wait to go out again with Julie and Mike...... and DICK.